Ahh festival season. That wonderful time of year where you can let loose and see all your favorite artists in one place. Regardless of which festivals you'll be attending this year, we want you to be prepared for everything you'll encounter in the wild world known as the music festival.
Ahh festival season. That wonderful time of year where you can let loose and see all your favorite artists in one place. Let your hair down, or put it up in a flower crown, or just chug Bud Light like there's no tomorrow.
Regardless of which festivals you're attending this year, we want you to be prepared for everything you'll encounter in the wild world known as the music festival.
The DAB
The DAB (Drunk Ass B*tch) is anything but innocent. During Phase 1, the DAB will initially come off as loud and obnoxious, owning up to her identity as "the drunk girl who constantly screams that she 'doesn't give a fuck!'". The DAB most likely googled "festival style" before buying their outfit at H&M. Phase 2 of the DAB occurs as they are vomiting or passed out by 4PM. Guaranteed to be crying by the end of the night, either as a result of losing their phone or their friends. Or both. *not to be confused with the dab that some people consider a dance move
The Druggie
This person claims to have had a spiritual experience in the port-a-potty, and is noted to have pupils bigger than their souls. By 3PM, this person will not be able to remember their own name, or count to five. Though, they will offer you tips for sneaking drugs past security. Most likely responsible for the shit in the port-a-potty.
This person watches the entire show through their phone screen, and is a firm believer in the philosophy that "if it's not on Snapchat, it didn't happen." Usually a 14-16 year old girl, but be warned, they come in all shapes and sizes. Be cautious, because these individuals often travel in packs. Just be happy that their selfie sticks got taken away at the gate.
The Bro
Stay away from bros at all costs. The bro is either shirtless, or about to be. The classic uniform consists of Sperry's and a bro-tank that likely says "Bitch Don't Kill My Vibe". Bros often mingle among other like-minded bros, with interactions mostly consisting of fist bumps or chest bumps. Has a high likelihood of passing out by 2PM and sleeping through the entire festival.
The Mega-Fan
This person claims they are "only there for the music." Their entire life has been leading up to this single moment. They have been standing in the pit at the same stage for 6+ hours in anticipation of the one artist they came to see. They have been studying for this show ever since they bought their tickets; memorizing songs and old setlists. They have been hydrating excessively for weeks in preparation, and now, their time has finally come.
Rave Couple
These are the easiest people to spot - wearing all neon and furry boots; it may seem like they stumbled into the wrong festival, but rest assured, they're just here for the EDM tent. These two never stop holding hands, and will bump into you continuously, never failing to cover you with secondhand sweat. Doesn't really understand the meaning of PLUR. We're not be sure if they're on ecstasy or a handful of Five Hour Energy drinks, but we are sure that they're not aware of their surroundings.
That One Old Guy
He may at first appear lost, yet after further speculation, it's clear that this man merely resents the current state of "the scene," as he constantly talks about how awesome Woodstock was "back in the day." It's obvious by the look in his eyes that this individual has seen some shit, and although we sometimes worry about him having a heart attack in the pit, he is not a force to be reckoned with.
That One Guy In The Morph Suit
This creature has for some reason been automatically dubbed the life of the party, yet we aren't really sure why. No one really knows who he is, being as he never speaks and might as well be a murderer. We also aren't sure about how he goes to the bathroom. Nevertheless, we put all of our trust in said morph man.
That One Girl That's Always On
Some Guy's Shoulders
This girl is responsible for inconveniencing everyone behind her with her prolonged-shoulder sitting. It’s cool if short girls want to get a better view, but three songs is far too long to try and dance yourself onto the screen for 0.02 seconds (for us and the dude holding you up).
That One Tall Guy
This guy probably should be in the back, but we are all afraid to tell him to move because he cannot control his height, and thus should not be punished. Not to be confused with that one hot girl that always ends up on some guy's shoulders, who deliberately chooses to be that asshole.
That Guy In The Banana Suit
This guy always seems to be right there when you need him, and no festival is truly complete without him.
Which Festival-Goer Are You?
Written by Rosie Davidowitz + Brigitte Hoch
Keep your eyes peeled for these characters and others at Treasure Island Music Festival and more festivals.
