Ah, yes. Festival season is in full swing once again. Accompanying the sunshine, or, more realistically, the fog, is another round of killer music festivals in the Bay. But how to truly make the most out of your own personal festival experience if you can't afford the VIP package that offers an air-conditioned R/V with a private wait staff? Might we recommend getting drunk on booze smuggled through security. Here's how to do it without ending up in handcuffs. Presumably.
Run for it
A timeless classic. There's no simpler way to sneak your drink than to just go for it with an all out sprint through security. While it may yield results for a few lucky individuals, the risk of being tackled to the ground by a 200 pound security guard is usually deterrent enough for most. This isn't the most advisable course of action but if you think you possess the athletic prowess required, nobody's stopping you. Except the police, of course.
Dress like Pharrell
It's a music festival right? Just find a hat like Pharrell's and stick a few cold ones up there. If anyone asks, the song, "Happy," changed your life and you're just paying tribute. It's so stylish nobody will suspect a thing. Just try to practice your balance beforehand.
Use a drone
If you're really desperate, and happen to have a spare drone laying around, you've got your answer. Take the controls in with you and then put that flying bartender to work. Fly in some whiskey, a few brews, whatever floats your boat. There's no security in the sky, right?
Bury it
This is ranging toward the more desperate side of things, but perhaps the more realistic. If you're out of options, but adamant about not paying the extra ten dollars for that in festival beer, then a little foresight can go a long way. The truly desperate will dig a hole in the festival grounds before anything is built and bury their booze. The ensuing search on festival day and consequent clawing at the earth until you find your booze will be the real challenge.
Hide it in food
A classic maneuver, there's nothing less suspicious than a loaf of bread. Security isn't looking for food, they're keeping their eyes peeled for people that are so desperate they would do something ridiculous, like bury their booze months beforehand. An added bonus of the bread technique is the delicious snack left over once the deed is done.
Become a parent
Not actually. Thanks to some drunk genius we have access to the ultimate form of alcohol subtlety, contained all within a plastic baby. It's an interesting strategy, and one that would most likely have a few concerned onlookers judging your ability to properly raise a child, but it yields obvious results. The only downside is what happens when it runs out: now you're that guy with a plastic baby strapped to your chest for no reason.
Stick It Down Your Pants
Did we mention that DoTheBay has collapsible flasks that slide right into your underwear and won't set off any nosy metal detectors? Keep an eye out for our booth and pick up one for free. We speak from experience when we say it will keep you properly tipsy all day long.
Written by Riley Coven
Try your best at one of this year's upcoming festivals and don't forget to browse our Outdoor Music Guide powered by Jack Daniel's. See you out there.
